Am i doing the right thing?

29/06/2010, 11.15 am

I am still thinking. Am I doing the right thing?
Yesterday I registered for the next semester of my master degree.
Then, I moved out of the hostel.
I left the person forever.
I migrated to putrajaya.
Do I really have to do all these? I have been asking Allah for help and guidance. Then, this is what my heart says.
I knew, I strongly believe, saying goodbye to that person for good is the best thing to do.
But I am still not sure about leaving USM and coming here. Is it for the best?

i do really hope that i am on the right path.

He shows me the sign

29/06/2010. 11 am.

I have Allah, I have been asking him for Signs since the last few weeks, and He gave me right away. He shows me the bad things you have been doing behind my back, 2 days in a row, for 2 different bad deeds that you did. You betrayed me, you talked bad things about me to others, you slept with someone else. You are a big liar, you are a cheater.
Allah show me all these, so that I could hate you, and leave you. Once I have decided, it’s forever. Good bye!

Bye bye, i am going to the right path.

Here's the end...

I cant see your face anymore, All i see is just A LIE!

i am not who i really was..

i knew who i was, but i dont know who i am. it was not this person, because it was so much better than this person. don't be this person. this person is not going to the right path..

the old scar is bleeding again

This is not the first time. At the same time, around the same seasons of different years, the same things happened.

Again, it’s happening one more time, after exactly 2 years.
How am i gonna go through all these for the second time?
The old scar, it was really deep, it’s bleeding again now, non stop.
The first time it almost ruined my life, nearly took my dream away from me, and destroyed my future.

And this time, what? Kill me? Destroy my career? Make me give up with my studies?
How am i gonna tell to the world that it’s not my fault. When the same SHIT happen to u twice, how are you gonna make people convinced that it’s not your mistakes?
How am i gonna tell to my old friends or even to my family for the second time that “it’s someone else’s mistake that got me involved in this problems.”
No one is gonna believe you. And even if they do, what can it do to make things rite?
Well, knowing and letting people know whose faults it was does not do any good. Blaming is not gonna solve anything...

What else i can do? I just have to face it. Just suck it all up and spit it all out!
Apparently, the pain that has been buried inside my mind and heart since the last 2 years has eventually come rushing to the surface. And now, would it make me just give up with my studies?

Well, i realise that i am still too far from making my dream come true. Although i never understand why the path is so difficult and always tricky, but I still do believe, i strongly believe one day, the day will come. I’ll do my best to find the right path in the hunt of achieving my dream. No matter how, what and when!

No matter how, what, and when, the right path should be found!

i can't sleep

i cant sleep. every single nite, since the last few months, i have been like this. laying in bed, turned and tossed, trying to get my eyes closed. technically, there are closed, but practically, my mind is still awake. OM gosh! why cant i just shut my mind down.



I need DRUG. to make me sleep. if i dont sleep, my mind keep thinking about the past, about every predicament, every sadness, every pains that i had since the last two years. well, it's more than two years now. the scar was deep, and it's bleeding again. it cant be stopped. it keeps coming out onto my mind and i couldnt resist it.
i need DRUG. it's all i can think of rite now. every time when i failed to get into sleep, all i think is just a DRUG that can make me sleep. seriously.

i need to sleep, i need to find the rigth path in my dream...

one of the memorable moments in my life..

this photo was taken on the 29th of may 2008.
it was a nite before cha's birthday. we celebrated her birthday a few hours earlier at mekong restaurant, hindley st, adelaide.
it was 3 days before i went back home to malysia for good.
it,s such an emotional event for me and them..
i miss u a lot, like crazy. i miss these moment.

i remember of saying this.. 2 years ago..

it was 2 years ago.. this was wht i said. i still remember, very clearly, still fresh in my mind, i was aware of what i wrote. it's at night, just before i went to bed, at my godparent's house, in broadview, SA.
i wrote this while crying, i knew every single word.

"It hurts, it really hurts, a lot.. It happened exactly a week ago, but I feel like it has just happened last night. It is the most terrible night ever in my life. I never expect someone that I really trust at that time made statement like that. He was the one who picked me up, put me in that project, fed me with knowledge, skills, experiences that I have been dreaming for, he grabbed me to right front of the ABC’s lenses which put me on the TV, but eventually, he was the one who convinced me to leave. It really broke my heart to much when I heard from the educational manager that he has told that I have ‘officially’ withdrawn. I felt like I lost everything. I felt like I am in the middle of nowhere. Too bloody upset until there’s no more tears from my eyes. Although a man shouldn’t cry, but tears really made me felt a lot better.

Many thanks to god for giving me the strength. Even though my biological parents who I have been depending for are thousands of miles away, but He gave me with other parents who looked after me. I know I am too old to be too dependent. But I don’t think there’s anyone else could be normal during such a bloody awful moment. I really appreciate their support and everything.

Today, despite of words or advices and hopes from people around me, I have made a clear decision not to continue. I know it upset everybody and hurts me a lot, but that’s my decision. It took me such a long time to come up with a decision, but when the decision has been made, there’s no way for me to change it back. I hope they understand and support me coz I need their support and trust, to keep my life going…

Until now, I cannot forget the terrible thing that has happened, not only a thing, but several things. They always and always appear in my mind from every single angle of my head. Owh, please Allah there are a lot more things I have to face and go through ahead. I have no idea what will come next, no, not at all.

I know, in people eyes, I am too weak, too easy to surrender. But I guess, I look for something else which I hope could keep my soul and hopes alive. I know my decision could be bad, and I may be regretting one day. But, at least I could trust myself and believe in what I do. Even though I have quitted, it does not mean I gave up, but I am trying to look for an alternative way to achieve my dream coz it’s not a quick-picked dream, but it’s a dream that I have been keeping in my heart and mind since I was 7.

The last four months were not meant for nothing. Although it ended up in an expected way, but I strongly believe that except the dollars and time, there’s nothing else that has been wasted. Now, I am able to see every single element of our lives: God, people, love, happiness, friendship, trustworthy, work, study, efforts, confidence, leisure and everything else from a different perspective. Even though my one-year-learning session was incomplete, but I believe there’s something else in which I have had the chance both to learn and to experience. Next, I am going apply those lessons into the real life-practical"

-around 10 pm, adelaide time, 6th may, 2008 (as published in my friednster blog)-

until now, i dont know what do all these mean to me.
i am blurred, cant thnk of any single thing..

where is the right path?!

history repeats itself..

Every single day, I kept thinking of the past, and every single night, my past kept appearing in my sleep. Sometimes it’s like a nightmare that makes me scared and upset, but sometimes it’s like a dream that makes me happy and could give me some hopes and confidence that one day I’ll get my beautiful life back.

I don’t know why recently I always have some sort of sad dreams, it’s happening every night, at least almost. What a shame to tell to the whole world that I am running out of tears. Well, it’s almost 2 years now. Sometimes I feel like sharing with everyone about my predicament, sadness, pain, and the feeling of regret. I know, I had already known, I already spoke to myself, I even wrote in my diary, and mentioned in my blog exactly 2 years ago that I might have regretted of making ‘that’ decision, but at least I have strong confidence of what I have decided.

Although sometimes I think the reason I said that was just to make myself happy, but sometimes I realized that I was actually lying to myself. I knew ‘that’ decision would make my life a lot more worst that what it already was before, and believe me, it was really happening and I don’t know why. And I don’t know why Allah chooses me. But I do always believe that He will never test any of his slaves something that is outside the boundaries of his/her capability. But why do I always think and feel that I can’t go through all these?

I thought the decision of coming back to Malaysia could solve all the problems, but it was actually the beginning of everything, every problem, every pain, every sadness. My life was turning upside down ever since. Well, I could not list down everything here..sudahlah jatuh ditimpa tangga, dihempap pula tiang yang tumbang ditimbusi pula oleh dinding yang runtuh. Well, it’s destiny. For something that I never plan, or something that is too far from my expectations and predicament, I consider that as takdir, sudah mejadi Qada’ dan qadar. Sememangnya jauh dari kuasa dan kemampuan aku untuk mengawalnya..

The dreams that I had every night, especially when I was half dead (the moment when I was about to sleep, but my mind was actually awake) keeps telling me that I should not regret for quitting that particular project, but I should be regretting of quitting my studies and coming back to Malaysia.

But when I was awake every morning, when I am having the life that I am currently in right now, I suddenly think that what a lucky person I am to have the chance to meet with those people around me. If I didn’t come back to Malaysia, I wouldn’t have the chance to have these wonderful friends who understand me and keep supporting me both physically and spiritually. Even though a couple of them turned to be what I never expected as a friend, become the most annoying person I have ever met in my entire life. But at least I could get the chance to experience being with this type of person, that actually reminds me and helps me how to be aware of manusia yang menjengkelkan, yang suka memburuk-burukan orang lain, bercakap sesuatu untuk mengaibkan orang lain, yang tindakannya seperti Khimar (seperti yang digambarkan dalam Al-quran) ataupun umpama anjing-anjing yang menyalak di jalanan.

But the past, together with the pain, they never want to go. They are kept inside my mind, locked in a well built biological box, the so-called brain. Regardless of everything I did to let ‘em go and forget them, they just stay there since the last 2 years, and never seem to be disappearing. But instead, they conquer my entire mind now even harder, controlling everything, every single microseconds.

Well, it’s has been 2 years since I made that ‘stupid’ decision, and while the feeling of regret keeps blaming on my stupidity for that stupid decision, I do believe one day, this is all worth it. Everything is gonna pay off. Remember, there’s light at the end of every tunnel. InsyaAllah.

It’s just the matter of what, how and when.

Whatever happens, life must go on.

May Allah guides me, keep the fire inside me, and show me the way To The Right Path and not to mention, please forgive me for the wrongdoings that I have done.

i need to see the right path..

i can't find the right path..

kadang-kadang (selalunya) aku rasa hidup ini tak adil. kenapa Allah nk uji aku dengan dugaan seperti ni? macam-macam kesusahan, kesulitan, dan malu yang harus aku tanggung dengan ujian ni. aku tak mampu nak lari daripad ujian ini, aku tiada pilihan melainkan hanya dengan menguatkan semangat untuk melalui dugaanNya yang sangat susah ni. tiada siapa pun yang boleh tolong aku. no one! except HIM.
tapi aku dh mintk tlg pada Dia beratus-ratus kali, bertahun2, tak juga aku dapat selesaikan semua ni. aku tak tau ape yang perlu aku buat. orang kate 'there will always be solutions for every problem'. but this problem, never has any solution.

wait.. perhaps there is one solution, cuma aku je yang tak menjumpainya lagi...
Ya Allah, please show me the right path...
i want to go to the right path...
but i dont know the right path...
because i never found the right path....


well, am i going to the right path.....