i remember of saying this.. 2 years ago..

it was 2 years ago.. this was wht i said. i still remember, very clearly, still fresh in my mind, i was aware of what i wrote. it's at night, just before i went to bed, at my godparent's house, in broadview, SA.
i wrote this while crying, i knew every single word.

"It hurts, it really hurts, a lot.. It happened exactly a week ago, but I feel like it has just happened last night. It is the most terrible night ever in my life. I never expect someone that I really trust at that time made statement like that. He was the one who picked me up, put me in that project, fed me with knowledge, skills, experiences that I have been dreaming for, he grabbed me to right front of the ABC’s lenses which put me on the TV, but eventually, he was the one who convinced me to leave. It really broke my heart to much when I heard from the educational manager that he has told that I have ‘officially’ withdrawn. I felt like I lost everything. I felt like I am in the middle of nowhere. Too bloody upset until there’s no more tears from my eyes. Although a man shouldn’t cry, but tears really made me felt a lot better.

Many thanks to god for giving me the strength. Even though my biological parents who I have been depending for are thousands of miles away, but He gave me with other parents who looked after me. I know I am too old to be too dependent. But I don’t think there’s anyone else could be normal during such a bloody awful moment. I really appreciate their support and everything.

Today, despite of words or advices and hopes from people around me, I have made a clear decision not to continue. I know it upset everybody and hurts me a lot, but that’s my decision. It took me such a long time to come up with a decision, but when the decision has been made, there’s no way for me to change it back. I hope they understand and support me coz I need their support and trust, to keep my life going…

Until now, I cannot forget the terrible thing that has happened, not only a thing, but several things. They always and always appear in my mind from every single angle of my head. Owh, please Allah there are a lot more things I have to face and go through ahead. I have no idea what will come next, no, not at all.

I know, in people eyes, I am too weak, too easy to surrender. But I guess, I look for something else which I hope could keep my soul and hopes alive. I know my decision could be bad, and I may be regretting one day. But, at least I could trust myself and believe in what I do. Even though I have quitted, it does not mean I gave up, but I am trying to look for an alternative way to achieve my dream coz it’s not a quick-picked dream, but it’s a dream that I have been keeping in my heart and mind since I was 7.

The last four months were not meant for nothing. Although it ended up in an expected way, but I strongly believe that except the dollars and time, there’s nothing else that has been wasted. Now, I am able to see every single element of our lives: God, people, love, happiness, friendship, trustworthy, work, study, efforts, confidence, leisure and everything else from a different perspective. Even though my one-year-learning session was incomplete, but I believe there’s something else in which I have had the chance both to learn and to experience. Next, I am going apply those lessons into the real life-practical"

-around 10 pm, adelaide time, 6th may, 2008 (as published in my friednster blog)-

until now, i dont know what do all these mean to me.
i am blurred, cant thnk of any single thing..

where is the right path?!