Every single day, I kept thinking of the past, and every single night, my past kept appearing in my sleep. Sometimes it’s like a nightmare that makes me scared and upset, but sometimes it’s like a dream that makes me happy and could give me some hopes and confidence that one day I’ll get my beautiful life back.
I don’t know why recently I always have some sort of sad dreams, it’s happening every night, at least almost. What a shame to tell to the whole world that I am running out of tears. Well, it’s almost 2 years now. Sometimes I feel like sharing with everyone about my predicament, sadness, pain, and the feeling of regret. I know, I had already known, I already spoke to myself, I even wrote in my diary, and mentioned in my blog exactly 2 years ago that I might have regretted of making ‘that’ decision, but at least I have strong confidence of what I have decided.
Although sometimes I think the reason I said that was just to make myself happy, but sometimes I realized that I was actually lying to myself. I knew ‘that’ decision would make my life a lot more worst that what it already was before, and believe me, it was really happening and I don’t know why. And I don’t know why Allah chooses me. But I do always believe that He will never test any of his slaves something that is outside the boundaries of his/her capability. But why do I always think and feel that I can’t go through all these?
I thought the decision of coming back to Malaysia could solve all the problems, but it was actually the beginning of everything, every problem, every pain, every sadness. My life was turning upside down ever since. Well, I could not list down everything here..sudahlah jatuh ditimpa tangga, dihempap pula tiang yang tumbang ditimbusi pula oleh dinding yang runtuh. Well, it’s destiny. For something that I never plan, or something that is too far from my expectations and predicament, I consider that as takdir, sudah mejadi Qada’ dan qadar. Sememangnya jauh dari kuasa dan kemampuan aku untuk mengawalnya..
The dreams that I had every night, especially when I was half dead (the moment when I was about to sleep, but my mind was actually awake) keeps telling me that I should not regret for quitting that particular project, but I should be regretting of quitting my studies and coming back to Malaysia.
But when I was awake every morning, when I am having the life that I am currently in right now, I suddenly think that what a lucky person I am to have the chance to meet with those people around me. If I didn’t come back to Malaysia, I wouldn’t have the chance to have these wonderful friends who understand me and keep supporting me both physically and spiritually. Even though a couple of them turned to be what I never expected as a friend, become the most annoying person I have ever met in my entire life. But at least I could get the chance to experience being with this type of person, that actually reminds me and helps me how to be aware of manusia yang menjengkelkan, yang suka memburuk-burukan orang lain, bercakap sesuatu untuk mengaibkan orang lain, yang tindakannya seperti Khimar (seperti yang digambarkan dalam Al-quran) ataupun umpama anjing-anjing yang menyalak di jalanan.
But the past, together with the pain, they never want to go. They are kept inside my mind, locked in a well built biological box, the so-called brain. Regardless of everything I did to let ‘em go and forget them, they just stay there since the last 2 years, and never seem to be disappearing. But instead, they conquer my entire mind now even harder, controlling everything, every single microseconds.
Well, it’s has been 2 years since I made that ‘stupid’ decision, and while the feeling of regret keeps blaming on my stupidity for that stupid decision, I do believe one day, this is all worth it. Everything is gonna pay off. Remember, there’s light at the end of every tunnel. InsyaAllah.
It’s just the matter of what, how and when.
Whatever happens, life must go on.
May Allah guides me, keep the fire inside me, and show me the way To The Right Path and not to mention, please forgive me for the wrongdoings that I have done.
i need to see the right path..
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